*Caution* Although I have tried to keep the jokes clean, some jokes may offend...
1. American
Why is an astronaut like an American footballer?
They both like to make safe touchdowns.
2. Anecdotes
Michael Mcintyre: I’ve just celebrated my anniversary… 4 years married… 8 years together, you always have to add that, 8 years together… It’s going very well, hard to write the card though isn’t it, I mean it’s not that, I love her more than anything, at the beginning it’s very easy to write the card, y’know essays, big long pages of I love you more than anything… Every time I breathe I think of you, you make my life complete, you’re the love of my life, darling, darling, please turn over, I’m insane about you now, I’m falling in love for the millionth time… It gets different y’know, you have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote, I still love you, see last years card for full details.
3. Animal
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So it won’t be spotted.
4. Baby
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
5. Bar
A man walks into a bar...Ouch.
6. Birthday
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
7. Blind
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says, "Hey what the hell are you doing?"
The blind man says, "Just taking a look around..."
8. Blonde
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Since the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the copilot. The copilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the copilot and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the copilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."
9. British
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"
10. Brunette
Why are there no brunette jokes?
Because blondes would have to think them up.
11. Bush
How do you know George W Bush is not planning on invading Iran?
Hmm....he might very well invade Iran, but there won't be any planning involved.
12. Business
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications & said, "We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!".
13. Canadian
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
14. Car
A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'
15. Celebrity
Why did McCauley Culkin get married?
He was tired of being home alone.
16. Christmas
Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was ‘elf’- taught.
17. Classic
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
18. Clean
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
19. Clinton
How many jokes are there about Bill Clinton?
One – the rest are true.
20. Coffee
Husband – Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Wife – That’s not surprising dear, it was just ground this morning.
21. Comedian
Peter Kay: I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
22. Computer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
23. Crude
24. Death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
25. Divorce
Sam meets Doug at the bar after his day at divorce court. "Did the judge split everything fairly when he granted your wife a divorce?" asked Doug. Sam replies, "Sort of. She got to keep the house, the car, the boat, the furniture and the dog. I got to keep everything I was wearing."
26. Doctor
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
27. Driving
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
28. Drug
I'm so rubbish at cocaine, I'm the only person who ever piles weight on.
29. Drunk
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
30. Elephant
Why are Elephants wrinkly?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
31. Family (offensive)
Dad with his little girl in the garden, The girl asks "is that a mummy long-legs underneath that daddy long-legs?"dad says "No sweetie, there are no mummy long-legs, only daddy long-legs".
He feels very proud of his little girls inquisitive mind until she stamps on both of them and says,""We'll have none of that shit in our f*cking garden!"
32. Farm
What do you call a chicken wearing a shell suit?
An egg.
33. Football
After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What's up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried."
"Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."
"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he?"
34. Gay
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
36. Golf
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
37. Heaven
38. Height
Your so short, you can see your feet on your driving license.
39. Holiday
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned and grabbed his son, "Go get your mother."
40. Insult
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing as you've never used it.
41. Internet
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.
Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
42. Irish
Whats a 7 course meal for an Irishman?
A 6 pack and a potato.
43. Kids
Why did the kid start a gardening business?
Because he wanted to rake in some cash.
44. Knock, knock
Knock knock...
Who's there...
Scott...
Scott who?
Scott-nothing-to-do-with-you!
45. Lawyer
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips are moving.
46. Light bulb
None, they'd rather leave their clients in the dark.
47. Little Johnny
Little Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen listening to him playing withhis new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,"All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you dicks who are getting on, get your asses on the train now."
Alarmed and angry, the mother went in and told him "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, Johnny came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard him say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hopeyou will ride with us again soon."
She hears Little Johnny continue,"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stowall of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on the train.We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, Johnny added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see that fat bitch in the kitchen."
48. Long
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”
49. Marriage
50. Martin Luther King
51. Maths
52. Medical
53. Men
54. Michael Jackson
55. Microsoft
56. Military
57. Money
58. Mother-in-law
59. Music
60. Names
61. Naughty
62. Nerd
63. Non sequitur
64. Old people
65. One liner
66. Own experience
67. Parrot
68. Plumber
69. Police
70. Political
71. Pregnancy
72. Private
73. Professional
74. Question/Answer
75. Racist
76. Redneck
77. Relationship
78. Religious
79. Ridiculous
80. School
81. Scottish
82. Self-deprecating
83. Sex
84. Sexist
85. Shock
86. Short
87. Tasteless
88. Toilet humour
89. Topical wit
90. Travel
91. UFO
92. Vampire
93. War
94. Weird
95. Welsh
96. What do you call a…
97. What do you get if…
98. Winter
99. Witch
100. Women
101. Work
102. You know it’s a bad day…
103. You’re so…
104. Your Mum…
http://www.basicjokes.com/
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
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